Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drunk is a universal language darling
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
