Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
