my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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