his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
