So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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