i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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