3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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