dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
