I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
