not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
