After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
