i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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