Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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