The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
