I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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