My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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