he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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