I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
