You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
