she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think I have vodka in my lungs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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