Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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