I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
