So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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