Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
