i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
