She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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