How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
