i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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