I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
