Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
