We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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