Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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