Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
