First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
