Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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