barbara walters just said penis...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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