You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
