hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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