I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
