Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
