My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
