I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
