I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can't turn off my feet"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
