Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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