My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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