sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
