WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
