I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
