You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
