this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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