Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
