My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
