The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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