he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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