I am midnight drunk by noon
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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