Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
