Need sex. Gaining weight.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
