Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
