When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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