if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
