Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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